Mommy, Baby, & Daddy <3

College & Nursing

I want to continue to nurse my baby because I know that is what is best for her.

I brought her into this world, she didn't ask to be born to me,

the least I can do is give her the best I can.

I am getting overwhelmed with taking care of the baby, the household work, and school.

I have three online classes, and one night class.

Online class 1:

Read a chapter a week, do a quiz a week.

Online class 2:

Read a chapter a week, do a quiz a week, do a discussion a week.

Online class 3:

Read 1-3 chapters a week, do 2-3 quizzes a week, do a discussion a week.

Plus various assignments for all three classes

Night class:

Read a chapter or two a week.

Finding time to do that is hard when

taking care of baby 24/7 and doing all the housework.

I feel like if we could have moved into our own place,

I would be able to get into a better routine

and might have been able to manage it.

For now baby goes to sleep at 2am

and we don't wake until 12pm.

Then I have from then until about 10pm before she wants to lay down with me.

At this point she nurses on and off until she falls asleep.

I thought about waiting to go back to school until she is older,

I could drop my classes up until tomorrow night with no penalty.

My dad says I should keep trying to go to school,

no matter how long it take me,

so if something happens between me and my fiancé

I have a career to fall back on,

and I'm not co-dependent on him.

If I did drop my classes now

I wouldn't get the extra loan money

so I would need to get a job right away.

So back to the beginning,

I am nursing my daughter,

and going back to work would disrupt all of that.

I feel like it would be a big disappointment to myself

if I had to stop breastfeeding.

Next option is to wait until the two week mark when I get the money,

then drop all the classes.

In this case though I would end up for paying for all the classes

and it would just feel dishonest.

I just don't know what to do!

I feel so overwhelmed!

This is not what an eighteen year old should have to deal with.

I should be young and carefree!

But life's not perfect..

I Am Blessed

One more thing:

I am blessed.

I have a place to live.

I have someone who loves me.

Someone who looks after me in my times of doubt.

I have a beautiful daughter.

Who I relies more and more everyday 

that she is a miracle.

I love her and her dad,so very much.

I don't know where I would be 

without them.

Update: I wish things were perfect..

Update:

 Forgot all about this blog! 

Read my first and only post and thought I would update it.

Shortly after posting that first post, I did stop going to school. 

I continued to work and picked up more hours so I made more money. 

I was able to buy things that I wanted, like nice clothes, a new phone. 

Then I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend of almost two years. 

I went into a downward spiral. 

Disrespecting my dad. 

[Who I made sound worse than he is in my first post, 

he is really a wonderful dad who sacrificed everything for his four children to have a decent life, 

which we would not have had living with our mother] 

I would walk out and leave at night, after being told not to. 

I was running the streets- smoking, drinking, hanging with the wrong people.  

Not even a week after breaking up with my boyfriend I was kissing another guy!

Then I started hanging out with my boyfriend again, thank god,

 because he was the one who pulled me out of this spiral.

 Shortly after my 17th birthday I ended up moving in with him, 

he was living with his brother and sister-in-law at the time. 

We got back together, I got a better job and tried to go back to school. 

I ended up giving up on high school altogether. 

I got tired of living with my boyfriends family and moved back home in January 2012, 

then my boyfriend moved into my dads house also in February.

We had to live in the basement, with a bed on the floor because there was no room really. 

I ended up going back to my first job and keeping the second. 

So I was working constantly, usually 12 hour shifts most days of the weeks.

 I really didn't mind though because I was making money.

March 10th of 2012- 

I had been off of that horrid depo shot for 18 months at this point and had irregular periods. 

I usually would not get a period every other month and even though we were using protection 

I would take a pregnancy test just to be sure. 

On this day a line showed up that had never showed up before. 

I was pregnant, 17 and pregnant. 

I didn't know what to do! At the time me and my boyfriend were fighting a lot and 

were probably about to break up.

I had to tell my dad and when I did I balled like I never had before. 

There was no question though, I was keeping it.

Lucky that same month, my boyfriend got a good job with a construction company. 

So in May we were able to move into our own apartment. 

Things were going well, we were doing well.

I got my GED.

He even bought me a gorgeous ring and we got engaged.

The wedding set for September 2013.

Sadly that didn't last to long. 

I had to quit my second job as it was getting to tiring being pregnant 

and then my first job cut my hours after I had quit the other. 

So we had less money coming in and couldn't afford it anymore.

 So we asked my fiance's parents if we could move into there basement and they allowed us to.

When we moved in with his parents I decided to go to school full time and quit working.

 I was swelling so bad with my pregnancy I couldn't stand at work any more.

So I started college, taking 16 credit hours. 

A mistake.

 Half way through the semester I was getting overwhelmed and dropped one class, 

making it 13 credit hours. 

Then I had my beautiful baby girl November 12, 2012.

I had about a month before classes were over. 

I had a week after she was born before thanksgiving break. 

So I took the week off and then went back after break. 

The only problem was we were expecting her dad to be laid off by that time and he wasn't. 

So I was stuck with nobody to watch her while I went to my classes. 

Lucky my dad volunteered to watch her for one class.

 I was able to finish that class and one other. 

The other two I had to drop as I had no time to write the final papers.

Now we still live with his parents and I am attempting another semester in college 

but do not know how that will go.

I feel like if we don't get our own place,

just to have our own space,

nothing is going to go right.

I currently struggle with postpartum depression.

I feel alone.

I have this baby to take care of, 

and I am nursing because I know that is best, 

but it is a time consumer.

I do the laundry every week (and it takes at least 2 or 3 days to do it)

I clean up after the baby and the dad.

Even though he is laid off I feel like he doesn't do his part half the time.

He changes her diapers and that kind of stuff,

but his idea of watching her is plopping her in his lap and playing video games.

He always wants to go out with his friends, 

while I am stuck at home 

because who wants to stay friends with a teenage mother.

It's not his fault, and I know I take it out on him to much.

I want to get our own place but I feel like we can't afford it.

The only reason I am going to school is so I can take online classes and get loans.

I don't want to go back to work yet and leave her with anybody.

I want to be home with her so I know I will be able to continue to nurse her.

I wish things were different.

I wish we were older.

I wish I had graduated high school.

I wish I had finished college before starting a family.

I wish things were perfect.

My Life In a Nut Shell

My parents got divorced when I was 10. I'm 16 now.

My mom lives in a whole other state, might as well forget her.

My dad has no job, but dare I say that to him because the business he is running is his job. Its not a job if you don't make any money.

We live in a 2 bedroom house. One parent, four kids. Dad has his own room so he can sleep on his bed because his back is bad. The two youngest boys have there own room, their in there almost all day playing video games with no other care or obligation in the world. My older sister is never home always out staying where ever she wants and "partying". I sleep on a rock of couch every night.

If I can get out of bed, or couch I suppose, I wake up at 5 every morning to go to seminary at my church, the only reason dad let's me is so he can get the church to pay for his car. It helps out my day a little bit.

I go to school after that, I do good in class but rarely have time to concentrate and do my homework so my grades are poor.

I have a job to, I don't get much hours but enough to pay for a few of my "luxuries". Which mostly means my phone, sometimes I can't even afford my phone bill.

I want to drop out of school so I can afford to move out but I can't because what I really want is to do something with my life, not like my parents. I want to go to college, and have a career to support my family when I get there. I want to achieve my dreams and if this is the only way to get there I'm strapping up for the bumpy ride.

I met a boy when I was 15, about a year and a half almost 2 years ago. I was so insecure I lost my virginity to him.

I got on the deprovera shot (birth control) and we never used condoms. No I didn't get pregnant but I did get fat, which makes every day that much harder for a person who was use to eating anything they wanted to and not gaining weight.

I'm still with him, I love him, at least I think I do, which for now is good enough. I am comfortable with him. Were suppose to be getting married. This is one of the only thing I hold on to in my times of sorrow and realisation.

This is the gist of my life, I may write more, check back to anyone who reads and cares.